living with cancer

I've been having a pretty good week.  Even with the infection scare and so much unknown, I've been doing ok.  In the past when I'd hear of someone getting diagnosed with cancer (especially a young mother or father or any young person really) I'd think "how in the world do the go on?  How do they not just freeze in fear? How are their thoughts not completely consumed with the "C" word"  And now that I've been faced with this stupid, horrible diagnosis I have the answer to those previous questions.  It's simple really.   I have been given two choices.  (maybe more, but I'm very black or white) I can let cancer have me or I can have cancer. I can let cancer dictate my life or I can.  I can turn into this angry, grumpy person or I can continue to be the positive, upbeat person I've always been. So I choose to be Me.  I choose to make the best of every day.  I want to enjoy life. I want to enjoy every moment.  Because really, without getting too sappy, who knows how long any of us have here on Earth.  I have moments of panic (many of them) but I'm learning to push them away.  Most things we fear are not true  nor will become true.  I also have moments where out of nowhere this saddness overcomes me and I get all teary eyed and pity-party-ish but I manage to get myself put back together quickly.  What I want is impossible.  I want this to go away; to have never happened.  But, that's just not possible.  Soooooo, I will live this awesome life that I've been given.  My situation could be SO much worse.

I'm starting to feel like myself again. I'm no longer scary skinny..... just much thinner than the normal me.  I am starting to have more energy.  I even took a restorative yoga class last night.  It was actually sort of depressing because I couldn't do most of the poses but I will get there.  I'm getting to the point where I'm sort of tired of talking about my cancer.  I don't mind when people ask me how I'm doing or what's new (so don't hesitate, I'll let you know if I don't want to talk about it and I'll always post important updates here)  I still have no idea when or where my second opinions will take place.  I think I'll feel good when those are planned.  I am meeting with a new medical oncologist tomorrow.  I am EXTREMELY irritated that my previous oncologist stood me up at our post op. appointment. I realize that he's a carcinoid guy and my carcinoid cancer is considered to be in remission but 1. I still have the other cancer in me (PMP) and 2. I am a freaking person, not some unimportant thing he can just cast aside. I need answers to my questions. I need a plan.  I'm a girl. I like to talk things out over and over.  So, the Dr. is a family friend and also a very good oncologist and he's made special time at the end of his day to give me his undivided attention.

One more thing, Sean is having surgery on Thursday.  (We never intended to have three surgeries in 3 months but oh well.  He has an inguinal hernia that has to be repaired.  We feel very comfortable with his surgeon and are looking forward to him being all fixed up.  Please keep Sean in your prayers on Thursday.  I know he's going to do great!!

Jenesa