6 months ago...

November 19th, 2012 was a day that I'll never forget.  I can not believe it was 6 months ago.  It seems like much longer.  I remember many vivid moments of that day which all bring chills down my spine and tears to my eyes.

I really can't believe it's been half of a year.  So much as changed.  Life has been challenging.  Every aspect of my life has been challenging and has changed.  I like to think that those changes have all been for the better.  Well, maybe except for the whole removing part of my colon part, but then again that was something that needed to be done to get rid of the cancer so I suppose that was for the better too.

I now have a 5 inch scar down my abdomen along with 2 other tiny scars.  Those are the only phyiscal signs that I've been through this nightmare.  Unfortunately, if I could see my thoughts/mind/brain there would be a lot more scars there.  Even though days are getting "easier" I still wonder about my health and how long I'll have it.  I am still overwhelmed by having TWO different cancers, one of which is so very rare and difficult to cure. I think "why me" all of the time.  Why did this happen to me?  I really do have everything I ever dreamed of and more really. But I also know "why not me".  Cancer doesn't care, it just wants to destroy so why not me?  At th same time I am starting to feel more confident that I will be around for a very long time, even if that means having the cancer come back and me having to endure the cytoreduction and HIPEC surgery.  So I also think "why not me"?  Why wouldn't I be one of the ones to overcome this?  I am young, strong, stubborn healthy otherwise and very adamant about being here so why not let it be me to beat this thing.

I am workiing on the acceptance part of grieving.  I am trying to completely accept that this diagnosis can never be undone.  I still wish it had never happened and I'd like to get to a place where I think, "yes it happened, yes I'm ok and yes I'm going to be ok no matter what happens".  I'm still a ways a way from that but I am working on it.

I'm trying to blog more often, but some nights I just don't know what to write.  (ironically, I had this whole blog planned out and then I realized it was the 6 month anniversary of my diagnosis so I'll have to write that one out later)  I am so thankful for anyone who has read this blog and prayed for me.  I can't begin to describe how humbled I am or how much it has helped me to know there are many people who care.  It has made me feel less alone.  In fact, when looking at the viewing history.... there have been 5082 blog views.  And not just from the USA but many countries including, Germany, Canada, Romania, Columbia, Ukraine, Australia, United Kingdom, Macedonia, Greece, Poland and a handful of others.  Again, thank-you.

If there are breaks in the blog posts, please check back in.  Especially in October when I'll be having my next scans.  I'll need lots and lots of prayers.