Appointments are Set!!

I STILL don't have Dr. Bartlett's recommendation but I went ahead and set up appointments with Dr. Sardi and Dr. Bartlett on May 2 and  May 3.  A quick trip up to Pittsburg and Baltimore to hopefully get some peace of mind. My goal with these two appointments is to 1. have a CLEAR plan, 2. Get a better understanding of this disease 3. have a good feeling about one of these two Dr.s and ask one of them to officially become my doctor and have them follow me and my scans/bloodwork, etc.

I'm obviously hoping that surgery isn't necessary but I want to know that not doing surgery isn't a huge risk.  I just want to feel like I've done everything in my power to beat this stupid cancer and today I'm still unsure.  There are so many unknowns and I hate depending on the internet for answers.

I've been so blue the past week.  I sort of feel like I was re-diagnosed after receiving that email from Heather.  I continue to struggle with the what ifs and what the future may or may not look like. I hate it.  I hate worrying.  I hate fearing the worst.  I really do try to remain positive and I feel like I will be fine and that I have many years ahead of me I just constantly struggle with the fear.  I'm normally so positive; this negativish Jenesa annoys me.